November 18, 2023
When someone we love dies, Thanksgiving can go from being one of the most beloved holidays to an emotional ordeal, especially if the deceased person was a part of the celebration every year. Our first thought might be: “How can we give thanks when they’re gone?” There’s an emptiness that pervades the holiday. Even worse, Thanksgiving marks the beginning of the holiday season and so you have to look forward to what seems to become an interminable time of sadness and loneliness while the rest of the world is celebrating.
An essential part of your life is missing, yet the world expects you to go on living as if you should forget your pain and join in the festivities. Even worse, you don’t want to be perceived as a damper on the season.
But it’s important to remember a few things. First of all, don’t feel guilty if you can’t get into the occasion. That’s to be expected … even if your loss occurred months earlier. Very often, a holiday like Thanksgiving can revive your sadness over and over, year after year. So acknowledge your grief, and be prepared as the season approaches.
Thanksgiving is especially difficult because there are so many family traditions we associate with it and the people we love: Dad trims the turkey, Mom bakes the pies, the guys gather to watch college football games, a cousin brings the chestnuts, the kids go to the parade. And those small routines take on a tremendous meaning when the person who performed them is gone. No matter how much you may try, things will just not be the same.
The truth is you will have to cope. There’s no easy way. So while you acknowledge your grief, individually and as a family, pay homage to the loved one you lost. Say a prayer for them, and remember them around the table with memories, photos and stories. Everyone should join in the sharing. Some families even reserve a seat for a deceased loved one at the table and toast them at the appropriate time. That morning, consider visiting their grave. While you will observe the same traditions as always, it will be different, so consider starting a new tradition.
Most importantly, say thank you for having had them in your life.
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