The Healing Journey

August 4, 2026

Reflections on Bereavement

By Stephen P. Herman, M.D.

We all die. For some, it comes as a relief after years of toil, longstanding pain from various illnesses without cure or with terrifying, experimental treatments. Some die in their sleep, others by “accident” after taking drugs – some laced with fentanyl or even stronger substances.

The important aspect of bereavement for many people is to be present when a loved one dies. Sometimes, this is not possible because of distance. This can compound the sadness and lead to guilt and even trauma.

You need to recognize that this is a normal reaction for many people. There are therapists who specialize in helping people with their guilt. However, it is important that you check his or her credentials first.

Your community might have a group you can join to help with these feelings. It’s very powerful to know that others are going through similar feelings. Some people believe in God; others do not, but grief does not discriminate.

There is no set time to mourn. There is a concern that someone might become clinically depressed and require an evaluation from an experienced psychiatrist, in case he or she can perform an evaluation and prescribe medication if necessary.

It also can help to be outside in all kinds of weather to allow yourself to think and feel and mourn. Don’t isolate yourself. Be with friends or make new ones. It’s not as hard as you think. Research has shown that speaking to someone you don’t know is welcomed by the person. She or he sees this in a positive light. And chances are this will be another way for you to feel better about yourself – and even more powerful.

Unfortunately, the main publication of the American Psychiatric Association (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual) lists certain criteria which define “pathological mourning.” Don’t use this as your guide or else you will feel even more guilty. The book sets certain “standards” which can be arbitrary and keep changing over the years. It will not help you in your bereavement. Trust yourself more than by following a list of categories put together by a committee.

(Stephen P. Herman, M.D. is Board Certified in Adult Psychiatry, Pediatrics, Child Psychiatry and Forensic Psychiatry. His postgraduate education included attending the Mayo Clinic and the Yale Child Study Center. As a forensic psychiatrist for more than four decades, he performed various evaluations where the law and psychiatry interfaced. His book on child custody was published by Pantheon Press. He is now retired, but his interest in medicine continues.)

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