May 30, 2023
“Lord, please shut my mouth so that I listen more than I speak.”
– Fr. Nick Pavia
In public speaking, there’s a term called “defensive listening,” which is described as “poor listening behavior, where a listener acts defensively to what the speaker has to say.” There is also a practice called “active listening,” defined as “the focused and purposeful act of evaluating information.” Hearing is not the same as listening.
When we are grieving, we want to be with people who take an active interest in our situation and who listen with compassion and kindness.
Good listening is an uncommon practice; few do it well.
Father Nick Pavia, chaplain of the Bereavement Ministry of the Diocese of Bridgeport, has worked with many people who have suffered a loss over the years. He has a simple formula that he uses when he’s with them: “When it’s time to listen, I ask the Lord, ‘Please shut my mouth so that I listen more than I speak.’” It works, and those who are sharing their pain with him are truly appreciative.
When he finally does speak, he always shares the words of Jesus, who told his disciples on the night before he died: “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You have faith in God; have faith also in me. In my Father’s house, there are many dwelling places. If there were not, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back again and take you to myself, so that where I am you also may be.”
At St. Joseph’s Center in Trumbull, where he is chaplain, he is confronted with death almost daily. When dealing with family members and friends, his approach is simple: “I want to walk with the person who is grieving, listen to the person, help the person not to have a troubled heart and to take it one step at a time.
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Active listening is the gift you can give to someone who is grieving.