May 21, 2023
“Everyone’s grief story is complicated … they just don’t want to talk about it..”
– Carolyn Killian
So much grief deals with guilt, according to Carolyn Killian, Director of Bereavement for Catholic Cemeteries in the Diocese of Bridgeport. We find ourselves assaulted by countless questions like “Why didn’t I act faster?” “Why didn’t I see the signs?” “Why didn’t I know what I know now?” And the most debilitating of all, “I failed the person I loved.”
Then, we’re left with an overwhelming sense of helplessness: “Where do I go with this guilt, sadness and anger?” “How can I live with the fact that I could have done better?”
Carolyn says you also may find yourself haunted by a litany of regrets, including “I should have been more patient.” “I should have visited more often.” “I should have told her I loved her.” “I should have said, ‘Thank you.’” “I should have hugged him more.” “I should have had the courage to do what I thought was right.”
And even though nothing can be fixed, we can take steps to help overcome our self-accusations and accept our imperfections. There’s a fundamental principle of life that all of us eventually have to accept. It points to our deficiencies, and it hangs on what we “should have” or “could have” done. It is the realization that we did the best we could with the tools we were given. None of us is perfect. Like those in recovery, we should claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection. Beginning an honest self-assessment that recognizes our limitations is a solid step in spiritual progress.
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Don’t look for spiritual perfection. Strive, instead, for spiritual progress.