The Healing Journey

August 20, 2026

People often wonder what they should or shouldn’t say to someone who is grieving. Regardless of the words, they should be spoken with compassion. The following is excerpted from a piece that appeared in Plough magazine titled, “What Do You Say to a Grieving Friend?” by Midge Goldberg.

When someone is grieving and you don’t know how to help, almost anything is better than doing nothing. My daughter Hannah’s partner of five years, Nate, died this past May. He went to sleep feeling not quite right, and he didn’t wake up the next morning. Nothing has been the same since….

The next hours, days, and weeks are a blur, with moments of distinct memories woven throughout. Some people responded right away. Hannah stayed with us, and her aunt, uncle, and cousins came for meals, as did our rabbi and his wife. One of my stepdaughters, who lives nearby, visited with a casserole. A friend from our synagogue stopped by, and the synagogue president wrote a personal note. One of my husband’s siblings sent a card, and a colleague of mine sent flowers. I’m grateful for everything they did.

But many people did not reach out. The lack of a local ceremony may have contributed to the confusion about how to respond. People I called expressed sympathy on the phone but then did not follow up. A few of my daughter’s friends only texted her. And some people did nothing. The most startling lack of response came at a gathering of my husband’s family about a month after Nate’s death. No one said a single word about him to Hannah. She came to me in tears, saying she felt as if she were on a desert island in the middle of the party, with no one mentioning this event that had devastated her. The lack of response was so prevalent that I couldn’t stay angry at individuals. I had to figure out what makes it so hard for people to reach out at a time like this….

What I found is that when people are faced with a situation like this without a tradition or ritual to fall back on, it can feel overwhelming. We tell ourselves that the phrases we’ve heard seem empty or trite – how could those help? We are too far away to really be of any assistance. We are afraid of bringing up the deceased, afraid we’ll remind the person of their loss. We think, “Nothing I can say will fix this.”

But as author Steve Almond says, “The truth is – to be blunt – there is nothing you can say that will undo that kind of hurt. But that’s also not your job. Your job is just to offer a little support to someone who is suffering. Period.”

So, what should we do? The best advice I can offer is to say what you feel. Even if what you feel is that you don’t know what to say, say that. As Emily Post writes “Grace of expression counts for nothing; sincerity alone is of value.” It might be something you’ve heard before – “I’m thinking about you,” “I was so sad to hear of his death” – but you can say it anyway; it gives you a way to start the conversation….

Having watched my daughter suffer through this grief and seen how the silence of others compounded her feelings of isolation, I have made a promise to myself. Next time I learn of a friend or family member mourning the loss of a loved one, I will show up for them. Visit, call, write – I will do whatever I can, but I will say something. It might sound stupid, but I’ll say it anyway.

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